Something about Sundays

There's just something about Sundays that are great and awful at the same time. I enjoy the day to spend doing whatever I plan. Usually I work but I can set my own pace and my own schedule. I can do laundry between things, dishes, cook, but Sunday nights are the worst. I dread them every week. I need to find a way to stop dreading Sundays but I just don't know how.

I thought that maybe this Sunday would be different. I had such a great week last week and I came into the weekend with such positive feelings. At church I talked about school a little bit, I got to spend time with my sister, I went out to coffee with my family and spent all evening with them, and today our Northwest Churches gathered together to form our own new Association of Seventh Day Baptist Churches. We've been apart of the Pacific Coast Association since our beginning but today we were finally grown up enough to start our own. It's quite exciting, i got to see lots of church family from all over and then afterwards I got to enjoy a beautiful afternoon at my parents home working. Yes, I was working, but it was in a table in the sun. Then we watched a movie.

But, every Sunday, whether I go home (usually I do to watch a movie or something with my Sis) or stay at my apartment, Sunday brings something....anxiety? It's that feeling where you almost think you're going to cry. It's hard to breathe, and you can feel "whatever it is" in your stomach and your chest at the same time. I hate that feeling but it haunts me every Sunday night and tonight was no different. I thought it was because I pondered a bad week but last week was great, so why would I be expecting a bad week? Maybe it is because I realize that I am leaving my family and that makes me sad. Or perhaps it's thinking about how the week is starting again and that means 6 more days before I get to see people outside of school again. Maybe it's because the week brings uncertainty and I hate uncertainty.

I still have to plan for tomorrow. I forgot one of the things I needed when I went to Auburn for the meeting this morning. I don't want to plan. I seriously hate planning at home. I just can't do it. If I'm at school and I'm comfortable there, I don't mind, but Sunday nights I definitely don't want to plan. I wish my life was my own again. Last week was great because it made my hard work and exhaustion seem worth it, but on a Sunday night thinking about all that I haven't done, and all that is going to sneak up on me, I get anxious and it still doesn't seem worth it. I hate that inconsistency in myself. And yet, I hate that tomorrow is the last day that I really know what I'm doing all week. Tomorrow is going to suck because I'm going to be at school forever, pulling my hair out, hyperventilating, and scared that I'm not going to know what to do with this information I have to somehow get to sink in to those fading Senior brains. I love those kids and once they walk in the room, everything seems better. But, there is always this fear that they walk in and I have nothing...and that keeps me up every Sunday night until 1 or 2 in the morning, whether I've had a good week or a bad one.

Right now, I wish that I worked at Starbucks, and even if I had to get up at 3:00 in the morning, I know that when I come home at 10 AM, I can sleep all day or do nothing. However, as much as I love it when everything is under control, my life is not my own. It might not be a problem if I felt that my life was the Lord's right now...but although I do feel that he is using me in this situation, I feel more like my life is the school district's, not the Lords. I hope that's not blasphemy, but that's what I really feel.

The fact of the matter is, it will all come together. Probably, since my emotions have now woken me up I will go take my shower and throw together my lessons for tomorrow quickly, and the rest of the week will fall into place like it always does, but I will still probably not sleep well tonight and I just wish I could pinpoint that funny Sunday-night feeling, probably anxiety.

Reflection: How do you cleanse yourself from anxiety? I do look forward to the week, even with this funny feeling. I just need to remember last week, that those kids kept telling me over and over how much they appreciated me. I know they love me and even if I have something crappy for them, they're on my side now and they're not going to just abandon me if I suck for a week. They may complain, but even under all the complaining, they're my biggest fans. They don't want me to fail and they are now willing to give me a little slack, even if I don't give myself any.

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