I don't get it...

I posted yesterday afternoon while I was still at school but somehow it didn't show up. That makes me sad. Yesterday was a hard day. I think my kids are up to something and I don't feel good about it. It was making me sick yesterday, probably with worry. It really ruined my day yesterday and I just couldn't work on anything after school. It was a beautiful day yesterday. Absolutely gorgeous. It made me happy to be out in the sun. I really wanted to go get an iced latte and sit by Lake Washington...but I was too tired and I still felt anxiety about what these kids are going to do to me next Wednesday (apparently that's "the day" for this thing they're up to) so instead I went home. I needed a nap because I was falling asleep and sure enough, I went to take my nap at 5:30 and slept until 7 this morning. It was somewhat frustrating that the free time I could actually have is taken up by sleep, which is very needed, but makes it so that I really don't have time to "do" enjoyable things. It was kindof nice though, I got to relax this morning before church and actually try to look nice for church.

I actually tried to talk to people at church too! It worked alright. I can't ditch this negativity though. I'm praying about it but it's just not going away. I have never been a quitter, and I know that everyone has faith in me, I hear it all the time. But, I know when I've hit a wall. I want to be a quitter right now and I almost am. When I go to church my church family asks me about school and I get really irritated because I really just don't want to go into it with them. I don't want to explain how I'm practically quitting...blech...I love my job. I just can't do it. And I wish my church family would stop asking me about it. My dad gave a sermon last week about relationships within the body of Christ. I needed to hear it. It helped me realize that even when I'm irritated about them asking me things, it's the way they're showing me they care and they want to be there for me. I react badly when i'm irritated so I tried to make an effort this week to just be kind. It worked somewhat. It's just that when I come to church I don't want to dwell on the things that drag me down during the week, and when my church family asks me about school it makes me have to think about my defeatist attitude and that's something I want to leave behind on the Sabbath. Blech. I need sleep. Tomorrow I'm going to hang out with Camille and I'm really looking forward to that. However, even though I'm glad to get some social interaction, I feel this weight on my chest and I'm just going to give up trying to figure out how I'm ever going to get things done tomorrow.

Think positive: Yesterday, even though I felt like my students were hiding from me what Matt's video is about, one did burst out, "Ms. Burdick, everyone ADORES you. I ADORE you!" and another said, "Ms. Burdick, don't ever leave us again!"...of course, that was partially because of the sub...but you know, you take what you can get.

Bedtime. G'night friends.

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