Probably not the way to start off

Well, I'm not so sure about this blogging thing. But, I often end up unable to sleep at night and I end up opening up my computer anyway and typing away my thoughts in endless word documents of what I call "God chats." I treasure those times because I just pour out my heart to my Lord and he listens and I just tell him everything.

I don't know why I am starting to blog, but maybe because I realize that at the end of the day, I probably have something to share. Sometimes the thoughts are pleasant thoughts, good stories that I am dying to share. Sometimes, also, they are things that are just running through my head that need someplace to nest. It is hard to live on your own. It is also hard to work as long as I do. And sometimes...at the end of the day it's nice to be able to just digest and clear out all the happenings of the day. I have a bad feeling this is going to get really depressing or that I'm going to abandon it entirely. Usually on these nights that I am awake and just need to talk, I am very tired and very lonely so I hope that this doesn't just end up being my sob stories. Nevertheless...here they are...sent out into the void.

I started tonight because I was reflecting on my day. I'm not proud of it. Life has been rough lately. I'm not doing very well at school. I got too overwhelmed and I almost shut down. I am having trouble breathing again and haven't been eating well. I stay at school until 9 or 9:30 and I was still behind (like....really behind). So anyway, I hit breakdown point, asked for help in planning and was made to take Friday and Monday off to catch up and get some sleep. Good, i guess. Embarassing and frustrating...and I guess disappointing. I haven't had any time to myself, or any sleep. Last night I got takeout (and cheesecake) and watched a movie. It was nice. I had time to myself, but I knew I should go to bed, so I did. Today I went to church and I actually got dressed up. It's the first time I've felt put-together on a weekend. I really enjoyed church. Lately I haven't wanted to go to church because people always ask me about school and I just don't want to talk about it. I show up late (partially because I'm too tired to get up and partially because I don't want people talking to me, even though I love them, even though I know they are just asking because they care about me). Today I had a great time. I enjoyed church and afterwards I was excited to go out to coffee with my siblings (it's now a tradition). But my sister wasn't ready yet and so I started talking about my week.

My kids call me "The Bird" and make squawking noises outside my room everytime they walk by. I was teacher of the week last week. My kids were really excited and they came to video tape my class. This week some of my US History students told me that one of my Gov students spent 30 minutes at lunch talking about how they made a video of me for Video Announcments where they had a whole bunch of them doing what they've now titled "the bird." He was very excited. I was embarassed. I asked him about it one day in class. "Matt, are you going to mock me with that video you took?" With a surprise and somewhat hurt look Matt replied, "No Ms. B, why do you think that?" I explained what US kids had told me, almost making the squawking noise myself, to which Matt replied, "No, it's good. But, I'll show it to you if you make that noise." Later that day I heard that noise 3 times 7th period as they walked back and forth past my door. In distress (I couldn't decide whether to grin that they were saying hello or if I should be upset that they are not being respectful of my classtime) I turned back to my class, to which one of my students, having seen the distress, replied, "It's all outta love Ms. B." I have a lot of great kids. I also have some jerks. But the good ones make it so much fun. I read them my story this week. They want me to get it published and have Tom Cruise play "Vlad." Haha.

So I told my mom that and when we were ready to go to coffee Margie said, "Ginny always talks too much, I always fall asleep." I think now that she was referring to when we were getting ready to go but I thought she meant when we went to coffee. That's not the first time she's said something of the kind lately. It made me feel really bad, probably because I'm tired and worn out. I layed down on the couch and tried to shrug it off but I just couldn't. I couldn't believe it but it really hurt me and I started crying. Then I didn't want to go to coffee, even though I had been really excited. Finally they realized I was crying. Mom appologized and Bobby tried to convince me to still go. But, I don't know what I was thinking. I was hurt and part of me wanted to just get away and part of me wanted Margie to feel bad and...I dunno. I made a dumb decision. I left right away and said I was just going to go home. I let them know that it was ok, but that I just really should go sleep instead. I went shopping. I just wandered by myself. It was actually really nice. I enjoyed just wandering. I bought too much. Then I got home and enjoyed making food and trying on my loot. Then i watched a movie. Earlier I was upset because I knew Margie was right and I was sortof angry. I talk so much when I see them because I don't talk to anyone else all week. I see my students and my colleagues but I don't talk to anyone about life. I talk to my family and when Margie said that this afternoon I felt bad that I don't have others to talk to and that I end up boring my family. So I left. Now as I am reflecting on my day I realize that although it was good to have the time to myself, I have just made it so that I don't have anyone to talk to for another week...and that makes me feel more lonely and will probably make my week that much more tiresome.

As I reflect, I learned from my mistake, but that doesn't mean it feels any better.

Related Items