Too Much to Say To Record

This past week was full. It went pretty well. I'm definitely addicted to coffee. I'm definitely cutting back starting this week. Kids take their test Monday. I'm nervous, so are they...but...actually, after the review I'm quite proud of all of us. I doubted whether they had learned much and I have discovered that many of them actually have. I think some of them are going to score really well Monday. And, I had kids stay after and question me for over 2 hours and I knew all the answers!! I was glad because I want them to be as prepared as possible.

I'm happy that life may slow down for a bit here. Today church was good. I had to pray for a servant's attitude in teaching Sabbath school today. I had 4 today and one of them...I hate that I feel this way...but she just makes that 45 minutes with those 5-7-year-olds miserable. I prayed that I would be better...and I was...but I need to pray more next week.

This afternoon was good. Bible study. Hanging out with family. Movie as family. And then...haha, Margie had a book laying around and since I never get to read anymore, I picked it up and read it through. That is why it is 2:47 AM and I'm still up. But...I dunno...there was something ravenous in my reading, like I desperately needed to read that book even if I stayed up late, won't drive back to my apartment tonight or don't accomplish much tomorrow because of sleeping in and having to drive home...

Today was a day of strange desires. The strange desire I had to read and finish that book. In church (and last week in church) a baby-fever finally hit me. I don't really like babies all that much, as harsh as that sounds, but I'm increasingly liking little kids and for the last two weekends I've had these flashes of pictures in my head of me with 2-year-olds like the ones that grin at me in church and whose parents pick up and toss around. I have never really gotten baby-fever like other girls, but the last two weeks I've at least had baby-visions...which sortof scares me. Then, I have this strange desire to just stay up, not to do anything, but to just stay awake. I think it is going to be hard for me to stay focused the rest of the school year. I'm so ready to be done. It's like...I dunno...I've accomplished what I came to do and now I'm ready to move on to the next bigger and better thing.

I miss people too. I hardly ever stay at my apartment anymore. I come to my parents' house. I just don't like being by myself anymore. I have so much growing up still to do. I can't take care of my own house, I can barely remember to buy groceries or motivate myself to cook (even though I actually love cooking), and I am too self-centered to be able to really juggle anything but my own life. I keep telling my mom that I'm tired of being alone and ready at least to meet my husband, even if I'm not ready to be married yet...but she says that I can barely take care of myself, let alone take care of someone else either. She's right...but I want companionship so badly. Ech...this is a useless subject, but I suppose one that presents itself at 3 AM after having seen babies at church.

Reflection: I'm tired...which accounts for some of the aimless thoughts. I have this uncanny desire to just sit here in the quiet for a while or to go for a walk in the chill night air...I miss that about Fox. I miss my friends....I love my family...and I love my students (and am so proud of them, despite how much they drive me nuts sometimes)...I love my God...and I'm praying that I don't just shut down now that the pressure is off.

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