Deflated

I was going to write last night about how funny yesterday was. I still will. But I'm at school right now and I think I just need to get some things out before I can go through the rest of my day and I can't really talk about it.

I just found out that next year they're taking half of my AP Gov classes from me. They are hiring the guy they hired before they hired me. That's ok, seems fair, but now I feel very pressured. I was so looking forward to next year because this week we've brainstormed what to do differently. I'm totally excited to rework this curriculum the way I think it would work best, but now they're going to give this other guy half my classes. I feel like a child, because I'm upset about it, but I also feel like i have a legitimate reason to be upset.

The effect of splitting my classes is this:

• I will have much more prep I will have to do because I will have to prep for 3 other classes of a course I have probably never taught.
• I will be teaching regular students--which, I know this is awful--but I don't know how to teach anymore. It's much easier as a first or second year teacher to teach the AP KIDS (not the course) because they're already motivated and you usually don't have to bug them about keeping their grades up.
• I will not be able to concentrate on improving Gov because it won't be the majority of my courseload.
• I will have to coordinate what I do with another person, which takes time and stress.
• I will always have this thought in my mind that I can't change things the way I want because another person is involved and I will always be constantly stressed because I will always be comparing myself to the other teacher. I had so many classes in HS where I wanted to have "the good teacher" instead of the bad teacher. I do'nt want to be the "bad teacher" but I also don't want to be "the fun teacher who doesn't really teach them a lot."

Anyway, I know it's childish, but I'm so upset right now. I was looking forward to being able to manipulate the curriculum next year and to be able to focus more on developing Gov and not having the added stress I've had this year. By splitting my classes, my Principal thinks she's giving me a lighter courseload but it is only adding stress that I've been happy to give up.

I feel like crying as I picture the "break" I was looking forward to just floating away...but I can't cry at school and especially right now, because I'm in the preproom and I will look like a spoiled baby that I'm upset about this.

Anyway, now I don't feel like workign and I'm praying that the Lord would give me a positive attitude for the rest of the day because I don't feel like making US good...

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