Abandoned

No, not me, my blog. I feel bad that I sortof avoid it now. I just want to sleep. Seriously, now that I have time I'd like to say that I've been getting caught up on everything and cleaning my apartment...but...I'm not. Now that I have time to write on my blog...I'd rather not. I'd rather sleep or read.

Anyway, there is nothing much to add here. I had a nice long pep-talk with myself last night. I need to stop being a child when it comes to my expectations. Anyway, whatever.

I had an awful nightmare last night about my students. I woke up in a tizzy and overheated. It was weird too because I hardly ever dream, or at least hardly ever remember that I have dreamed. It was of my students needing to make up a test and all of them showed up and I didn't have room for them so somehow my classroom magically morphed into an outdoor grassy bowl thing (I know there is a name for those but I can't think of it at the moment). But they wouldn't listen to me and I tried and they were being arrogant and had an attitude and when I tried to keep them from cheating they just up-and-walked-out. And I was so upset that I just sat down and cried in the middle and the 10-15 good kids, the ones who hadn't walked out, finished their tests and handed them in. Then they went around and picked up the other 100 still sitting right where the arrogant ones had left them in protest. I just kept crying and my good kids felt bad and stood there for a second, wanting to do something, but they just piled up the test and sat them next to me softly, as if to say they're sorry for their classmates. Then the next day I told the kids that they were not going to watch the movie they wanted to watch and I have them a lecture on how they think they're adults and they want to be treated like adults but that what they did the day before was not what adults would do, but what spoiled children would do and that since they act like spoiled children I will treat them like spoiled children. Instead of doing something that educated adults would do, I was instead just going to baby-sit them for the rest of the semester and they would have to obey strict rules like children have to obey since that was how they were acting. Anyway, I was pretty upset for a while when I woke up and although I know it was just a dream, I've had this tightness in my chest all day. I went to Starbucks and brought a book for breakfast this morning to get me out of the house and clear my head. It was nice and I worked most of the day. Anyway, strange dream.

Reflection on today: Ok day...not really happy with where I am for tomorrow but I've calmed down about the drama for next year (still not happy, but I'm just trying to focus on the positives and not the negatives). I have cut back on the coffee, so that is good. But, today is still Sunday and although I don't have those tests to worry about anymore, I am still anxious about the week and having a hard time breathing. Maybe I'll try to go to the doctor this week. I'm sick of not being able to breathe.

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