Raw

I'll try to keep this short. On my way home from my parents' house tonight I was reflecting. Sometimes I think that driving home late at night just induces thought. I feel like it's one of those scenes in movies where time is passing and you see the streaks of light and the bright colors and hear the melodic music...anyway.

I started thinking about how raw I am. When I was little I got scraped up a lot. My bike was often the culprit, throwing me from the seat in an unfeeling way so that my skin seemed to constantly be raw. The initial fall didn't really hurt me, I was usually too shocked to think about it. Plus, I was busy picking the rocks out, lol. But later, when I would bump into something or even when I would wear jeans and the jean would brush up against that raw knee, I'd have to bite my lip to keep from crying out. It was never anything awful like getting hit that hurt the most, but when something would just brush up against that raw skin.

When my family moved from Nebraska I took a huge fall and it hurt, but I was tough. A scab formed over the wound and it wasn't raw. When I got to college I opened up the scab and tried to have it heal and sometimes I think it did and sometimes I feel like opening up that scab just turned me raw. Ever since then I've been incredibly emotional. After all those years of pent up emotion and showing no emotion, I turned into a basket-case. Now any time something brushes me it's like my heart is raw and it hurts like crazy. My reaction is always, "Well, you've just got to learn to be tough again and not let it bother you."

When I was driving home I was wondering why it's gotta be that way. Does God really want me to have to be tough all the time? I don't think so. It is painful to have feelings. A month ago my sister was watching a movie and I only watched for about10 minutes. A child was hurt, I didn't even know the story, and I wanted to cry. I tried to explain it to her and she was confused. Why do I get so emotional about things like that? It seems to me that being so emotional makes me feel compassion for others but at the same time, I feel like I'm more vulnerable to other things. It sortof makes me want to just shut up again like after I moved to Washington because I'm sick of being so emotional all the time. I wish I hadn't learned to open up because it just made me raw and hurt every time I get brushed. Is that just a lesson to life? Even Christ, when he opened up himself to us, he got crucified. Is that just life? I don't think that's what God wants, for us to open up ourselves and just be so raw that it hurts, but if that's not what God wants, then why is it happening that way?

Reflection: I think the part I haven't learned yet is to only take my value from my heavenly father. Maybe he wants me to open up--feel compassion, but not let the world and circumstances bruise me--and measure my value in his eyes. But, it'd sure be easier if I just had tough skin...and I'm still not convinced that I shouldn't try to develop that again.

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