The Happier Version

I know I'm having two posts in one day, one right after the other, but I wasn't done yet. Maybe if I type all this stuff out I will be able to sleep tonight. Because of the sleep deprivation and the heat and the running around I was sortof grumpy/tired all day. On my way home from camp I thought of some things that I wanted to share. Immediately I thought of all the things that I had to do...get sleep, read through all the skits and make up a props list, look online for camera prices, finish laundry...blech. I knew that blogging would just take time away, but I think it will all be worth it. I made myself an Italian Soda, grabbed some ice cream, and am sitting in my white-puffy chair near my patio. The breeze smells wonderful and I can hear the nighttime sounds.

Here is what I wanted to share. I live in Renton. Camp is in Covington. I drive along a back road (well, it's not really a back road, but it's not a freeway) to get to Highway 18, to get to camp. I absolutely love it. As much as I hate driving back and forth all day, I love the drive. It seems silly but I am so blessed by that drive. It's a major road but it is through grassland and forest and wildflowers and open land...oh man...it's lovely. I can zip along and the light is always gorgeous. I go in the morning so the sun hasn't hit mid-sky yet and then at sunset, when I'm going home....breathtaking. Even when I get to the Highway, there is open land on either side. It is so open and freeing...like you've been suffocating and now you can breathe. When you live where I live that isn't a common sight. I love the city...but there is still something inside me that longs for open spaces. As I drive I daydream and find myself rolling down the windows, breathing in deeply of the sweet air and smiling with pure joy at the thoughts in my head.

I'm not sure why, but when I drive those back roads I think of family. I think of having my own family. I think of laughter and love. Scenes play in my head of my husband and I taking walks in the evening to breathe in the fresh air and gaze at the sun-kissed beauty. There is a relaxing feeling about it, as if that setting is just made for a leisurely walk for two people to just enjoy being together. I see myself in one of the houses along the way (out where you can't see into your neighbor's window) and I see my family out back. It reminds me of a Kodak commercial...the Dad chasing the kids at sunset, them squealing with delight, and me running off the back porch with a heaping plate of watermelon.

Along the road there is a spot where some log houses are being built. Tonight when I drove by there were two guys working on one of the houses. I caught a glimpse of them as I zipped by and they were standing inside the house looking at the sunset. They were glowing. It was so beautiful. It made me happy. It also made me want a log cabin.

There are days when I get tired of life the way I've made it. I feel like I need to do so much because I know I can do it. I learn to give up some things and others take them up...but oftentimes it is others like me who take up what I have given up...people who have too many other things on their plates as it is. Then I feel guilty like I should take the burden back. The result is a busy life. I love it sometimes. I'm the one that fills it up. There are so many things i want to do. But then there are times...like when I was in Europe, when I would just wander around Newberg while I was at college, and when I drive on those back roads that I literally feel this pang in my heart, a desire for simplicity. In Europe I loved the feel of having no real responsibilities...of just being able to wander as long as I made it back. In the last two years I've wanted to return to that so badly. I just wanted to leave. I had this perfect picture in my mind of me in a small house near the cliffs in Ireland, Dingle Peninsula. I could walk and breathe fresh air and...well, I could just be.

Though there is that pang as I drive those back roads, there is also this happy feeling. I'm happy to be free for 25 minutes...I'm happy to breathe freely...and I think optimistically about my future. I look forward to having my own house. I look forward to being able to enjoy the things I love with a family. I look forward to meeting a man I can share those thoughts and emotions that these places evoke, share a walk in the evening and a home. Reality says that with a family my life will only get more full...but it seems to me it will also bring more joy and I think that will make for a better balance. Who knows, maybe the Lord will bring me someone who will help me make those times of peace and open spaces more of a priority.

Those are the thoughts that made me beam as I drove...thoughts of bright and beautiful things to come.

Reflection: Even in the middle of a storm there is a place of calm.

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