I'll try to recap what I haven't felt like writing:

• last week I fell asleep twice after getting home--the sleeping was done on the floor, 2 nights in a row, in the form of a "nap" from which I awoke at 5:30 AM...argh
• My kids started their projects. They're amazing. I'll have to tell you about them. So far they're not going perfectly, but at least the kids are doing something.
  
• I traveled to Oregon in bad traffic, making it just in time to see Pirates 3 with Jo.
  
• Oregon was fun and tiring. We were all lazy. I loved seeing friends again, but I actually wasn't as social. I think my energy is shot from this year. It was weird.
• Nevertheless, I got to see tons of people! I had tea with Beka, Lindsey and Amy, went to a beautiful wedding (seriously, it was amazing...breathtaking church, very posh party, good food), danced myself silly with friends (I'm not kidding, I think we make parties more fun...the photographer asked Pat where he got us! haha!) and went home very happy, happier than I had been all weekend...but very sad that after having so much fun with friends, the night was over.
  
• After an incredibly long night of a game I didn't play and a few funny youtube videos and a whole bunch I couldn't see through the slits in the lids that were covering my eyes, we went to bed.
  
• I visited Cassie and Liz and actually had a really great end to my weekend. We talked, and went to Bald Peak for old times' s sake. We hiked and came back to their place for a relaxing hour or so by the pool enjoying the beautiful weather. I realized then that what I was missing was relaxation. I hadn't done anything all weekend, but I hadn't relaxed, so that made a perfect end.
  

So now for the last day or two. I came back, was not happy to return to school, but so far, as usual, things have gone fine. Yesterday was kinda bad...it was 83 degrees in my room...I had 6th period for 90 minutes (juniors, hard to control, never want to work) and had planned a simulation that would take focus. There was no way they'd do anything in 83 degree heat, and even if they did they weren't going to actually learn anything. Plus, I was feeling dizzy since I'd been in there all day. i seriously couldn't teach in that heat. Luckily, God had a backup plan. I ran down the hall to ask Nate if he had anything last-minute for the Cold War and he miraculously had just rented "Thirteen Days" for the next day for his sub! It is about the Cuban Missile Crisis, EXACTLY at the point where we were going to do our simulation!! It was seriously perfect. So, I was frustrated to be showing another movie, but relieved that I wouldn't have to try to control them while I was feeling faint.

Today was funny. (Very Brief intro: 3rd period's project is a mock election.) Today was the first day of events for the mock election. The media men were interviewing candidates in the conference room down the hall, Evan was interviewing candidates and PACs and then giggling (as much as an 18-year-old male can giggle) as he showed me the quotes he had gotten and how he was going to manipulate them (ah...the media...always out to get you), and The Olde English Party tried to get the FEC (me) to approve an attack ad where they had photo edited a picture of a Nazi soldier to look like the opposition party's VP! The NOWR (National Organization for Women's Rights) hosted a luncheon at which the candidates spoke (very nervously, but with the attention of their peers) and the "Oldies" plastered the room with a campaign poster "Can YOO HWANG loose?.....Hwang and Yoo 2007," to which I busted up laughing. But the funnier part came after school, when the National Burd Party asked if they could put some campaign materials up. They proceeded to completely cover 3 of my walls with their campaign posters. It seriously is hilarious. If I had the pictures here I would attach them. Maybe I will later. But seriously, there are so many of them that you can't even tell which ones are the Hwang and Yoo posters from earlier, they're lost in the "Felser Axell 2007" forest. I stayed after school until 5 having meaningful discussions with students. Hopefully Paul doesn't hate me anymore for my views on sports fans and I think we really had a good political discussion and I sort-of ended up counseling about students rights that have been violated within the school. I sure hope I don't end up losing my job. I feel like my room is bugged.

Ok, now I'm going to bed. I'll attach pics later.

Today I made good food. I cleaned my whole house. It smells good. I lit candles. It poured all day. I went through some stuff Rob gave me. I didn't work much.

Rob coached me for around 2 hours on Friday afternoon. Basically I'm giving up on 6th period and working on making myself better as a teacher and he's going to help me. It's a long story but he really helped me with a lot of things. Now to disconnect from Gov too.

Reflection: A while ago Camille told me that I need to not let my mood be dictated by my students. I should do what I need to do and realize that what I'm doing is good. I shouldn't let my students' compliments bring me too high and I shouldn't let their criticism bring me too low. No matter what, I shouldn't let them dictate my attitude. That is good advice. So far I'm not so good at following it. I should be looking forward to tomorrow but I have a tough road to tote this week. I introduced a project idea to Gov last week and they're mad. They seriously thought we were going to do nothing until school ends. Anyway, I don't feel like getting into it but suffice it to say that they're not thrilled with me anymore for a few reasons and it makes me feel bad. But, I'm going to keep a positive attitude. No matter what, I love them and I want to do what is best for our class and whether they appreciate it or not, this is what is best and I think they will begin to understand. Plus, I need to learn that I'm not going to be loved by everyone or be loved all the time. I can't let that keep me from doing the best job I can. In the end, they may be upset with me but they're not going to just shrug off a whole year.

I'm kindof afraid of going to Kathy and Pat's wedding. I'm so excited to see everyone but because of how raw I am, I always come away from those things sorrowful. I mean, I don't know how to explain it, but I guess I just hate change.

I'll try to keep this short. On my way home from my parents' house tonight I was reflecting. Sometimes I think that driving home late at night just induces thought. I feel like it's one of those scenes in movies where time is passing and you see the streaks of light and the bright colors and hear the melodic music...anyway.

I started thinking about how raw I am. When I was little I got scraped up a lot. My bike was often the culprit, throwing me from the seat in an unfeeling way so that my skin seemed to constantly be raw. The initial fall didn't really hurt me, I was usually too shocked to think about it. Plus, I was busy picking the rocks out, lol. But later, when I would bump into something or even when I would wear jeans and the jean would brush up against that raw knee, I'd have to bite my lip to keep from crying out. It was never anything awful like getting hit that hurt the most, but when something would just brush up against that raw skin.

When my family moved from Nebraska I took a huge fall and it hurt, but I was tough. A scab formed over the wound and it wasn't raw. When I got to college I opened up the scab and tried to have it heal and sometimes I think it did and sometimes I feel like opening up that scab just turned me raw. Ever since then I've been incredibly emotional. After all those years of pent up emotion and showing no emotion, I turned into a basket-case. Now any time something brushes me it's like my heart is raw and it hurts like crazy. My reaction is always, "Well, you've just got to learn to be tough again and not let it bother you."

When I was driving home I was wondering why it's gotta be that way. Does God really want me to have to be tough all the time? I don't think so. It is painful to have feelings. A month ago my sister was watching a movie and I only watched for about10 minutes. A child was hurt, I didn't even know the story, and I wanted to cry. I tried to explain it to her and she was confused. Why do I get so emotional about things like that? It seems to me that being so emotional makes me feel compassion for others but at the same time, I feel like I'm more vulnerable to other things. It sortof makes me want to just shut up again like after I moved to Washington because I'm sick of being so emotional all the time. I wish I hadn't learned to open up because it just made me raw and hurt every time I get brushed. Is that just a lesson to life? Even Christ, when he opened up himself to us, he got crucified. Is that just life? I don't think that's what God wants, for us to open up ourselves and just be so raw that it hurts, but if that's not what God wants, then why is it happening that way?

Reflection: I think the part I haven't learned yet is to only take my value from my heavenly father. Maybe he wants me to open up--feel compassion, but not let the world and circumstances bruise me--and measure my value in his eyes. But, it'd sure be easier if I just had tough skin...and I'm still not convinced that I shouldn't try to develop that again.

There are times when I become incredibly immersed in my own thoughts. Many times it is right before bed or right after I've heard a beautiful or haunting piece of music or after I've finished a book in which my heart has gotten so wrapped up that at the end I feel like I've lost something. It's strange. In those moments I wish.

I just finished a book that enthralled, scared, surprised and saddened me. I am glad I finished it before it's too dark because I might have been scared on my own. It was a web of a story and now I find myself sitting in my chair wishing.

I wish that I could breathe.
I wish that I didn't have to go to school tomorrow.
I wish that I knew how to fill the time tomorrow.
I wish that I could go for a walk.
I wish that I had someone to talk to about that strangely beautiful time of evening when the sky is bright and dark at the same time.
I wish that I felt like cleaning.
I wish I wasn't so restless.
I wish I didn't make things more complicated than they are.
I wish I didn't complain so much.
I wish I wouldn't get so wrapped up in books that I practically break my heart along with the characters.

I wish I could just wander outside all night and enjoy the fresh air and get lost in the smell of spring.

Reflection: Today was pretty good. I'm still having trouble breathing and I was somewhat depressed about what to do tomorrow about my kids. Rob is going to meet with me after school and try to problem-solve. But, I think because I'm working so hard to breathe, I just don't feel like doing anything and that makes it hard for me to focus and feel like doing stuff with the kids. It's not a good attitude for a teacher to have. I'm praying that tomorrow the Lord will bring some wonderful idea to my head so that I don't get stressed. I'm glad it's going to be Friday. Oh yeah, lol. Third period had the "stunna-shades" again today since Yumi wasn't there on Tuesday to see it. She wasn't there today either! haha! So I'm wondering if tomorrow is going to be "Stunna-shade" friday as well!

I know...but there were reasons. 1) I haven't had a real break all year 2) I need to see a doctor 3) I just couldn't face my 4th or 6th periods. I should have taken a full day off (Wednesdays are only half days) but I like my other classes...so it was worth it to skip the block period of my two difficult classes...I know, I'm a coward.

I have had trouble breathing for probably about 2 years now. The last couple months it has gotten worse. Tuesday at school by 6th period I was gasping for air and feeling lightheaded. I had been thinking about skipping a day this week for a few weeks now and after feeling so tired and crappy from not having enough oxygen, and after having an awful class period--full of frustration and despair--I said, forget it, I am not going to school tomorrow. I put together a sub plan and left. On my way home, I actually called the doctor. I hate doctors. I didn't even go to the doctor this winter when I should have until it was so bad I had to be taken to the emergency room. But, my doctor had no opening, which made me mad...because it's not like this is something that can wait for 2 weeks...I couldn't breathe!

So anyway, today I didn't go to work and instead I went to a new doctor who had an opening. Turns out my asthma is probably what it is. It's back. Well, at least that's what the doctor suspected and yet, with my new inhaler, nothing is really changed. It works for like, half an hour and then it's bad again. I might have to get a second inhaler (a prevention one in addition to the fast acting one I already have). Anyway, that's something to pray about because I'm still pretty much gasping for breath and it is making me exhausted and my chest hurts. Here's the cool and sortof scary thing. I got an X-ray today. My doctor told me that my lungs are inflated, one of the things that happens with asthma. He said you can tell from my x-ray because my ribs are pushed to the side (hence the pain) and my heart is below my lungs! It's so weird because a week or two ago when I didn't feel well I was holding my stomach and I could have sworn my heart was beating right in the middle of rib cage. You know that soft spot right between your ribs, where they start to split? Well, that's where my heart was beating and I was so weirded out. I put my hand where I thought my heart was supposed to be and it was very faint but when I moved my hand back below my ribs I could feel it strongly. I thought it was odd but then ignored it. Turns out, I was right! That's where my heart is! I guess normally it is somewhat turned to the side, near the top left of my chest but my asthmatically enlarged lungs have pushed my heart down below! Weird!

Cute story: 3rd period yesterday walks in, my first class of the day, and something was strange right off the bat. They were quieter and finally I realized, they were all wearing HUGE sunglasses. I gazed at them all with a slight smile on my face, waiting for one of them to betray the reason they were all wearing those sunglasses. They all just smiled at me. Finally, I grinned and gave in. "Ok, what's with the sunglasses?" Apparently Tuesdays are now "Stunna-shade" Tuesdays. The term is foreign to me. Yumi wore big sunglasses one day. In class discussion, when she spoke I was amused that she was wearing huge, dark sunglasses inside my classroom. In my distraction I said, "I like the shades," before responding to her comment. My class apparently thought it was funny and wanted to see the reaction I would give if they all came in them. So, now we have "2nd Amendment Monday" (although not sanctioned, the students claim this day anyway...), "Stunna-shade" Tuesday, Sweater Thursday, and First Amendment Friday. Anyway, nothing really all that amazing, but I did learn a new term that day and we all had a good laugh (they looked so silly!).

So, the kids have been slightly irritating this week. They think they're not doing anything the rest of the year so they don't listen anymore. They don't mean to be disrespectful but they are. It's annoying. However, at the same time they're being disrespectful, they're being cute. Look what they made for me this weekend:

http://hs.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2335338953

Now that the test is over, they're intensely interested in my personal life. They've made it their mission to "friend" me on facebook. Over the last 3 days I've had around 15 friend requests and I've been poked 20 times...hahaha! Jake keeps sending me messages because I won't poke anyone back or accept their friend requests. But, they wanted me to come look over their wall. (They want so badly to see my profile and I'm starting to crack...I just might accept their friend requests after they graduate...I dunno.)

In other news, I'm tired of teaching. Tonight I made good food and am going to eat it.

Ok, so funny story. In the middle of 5th period last Thursday I found on drudgereport.com that Tony Blair finally resigned. We knew it was coming that week but when it came it was so sad. The kids were watching a movie but I knew they'd want to know. So, while they were watching the movie I wrote up on the board, "Tony Blair just resigned. Last day June 27." Immediately there were groans and moans! "No! Tony!" I asked them if they wanted to stop the movie and watch his resignation speech online. Absolute assent so I stopped the movie and we watched Tony's emotional resignation speech. As Blair talked, my students were silent and glued to the video. I couldn't believe it. When the speech was over, my class was silent. I looked at them and one boy said, "Man...It's over. Tony's gone." I seriously think to them, Tony Blair's passing was symbolic. He's been with us all year. I seriously think that when they saw Tony say goodbye, they were thinking...wow...this year is almost over...we're graduating...we're gonna say goodbye. Finally, one student goes, "Ms. Burdick, can we write Tony a class letter?" "Can you write him a letter and invite him to visit our class, now that he doesn't have a job." My favorite was, "Forget writing him a letter to come visit us, let's invite him to be our President! Never mind the whole "citizenship thing," we can ammend the Constitution for Tony!" I loved it. I was so glad that my students identified with our curriculum, even in a superficial way. The last few minutes of class were so solemn! I knew they were going to be sad, which is why I left it until the end of the period, but I had no idea they'd act like that!

Story 1 continued...so I was watching the full speech when 7th period came in and Drew saw the message on the board about Blair and asked if that's what I was watching. He came over to watch it with me at my desk, riveted by Blair's charisma. As the rest of the class entered, they came to see what was going on. Soon I had all 20 of them gathered around my desk glum over Blair and once it was finished, they stayed there! I couldn't get out of my desk because I was mobbed. About 5 of them wandered off towards their seats but the rest stayed and (like I said, they're intensely interested in my personal life) started asking me about things on my desk and about my family and started looking at all the pics on my wall! They asked me about the castles, about why I was drenched pointing at grass (I got to quickly tell the story of falling in the bog), aobut what it was like to travel, about Desmond (the guy who made my celtic ring), and I couldn't start class on time because they kept asking questions. But, we really didn't have to do anything since it was just a movie so we chatted a bit.

Friday 7th period played heads-up-seven-up...oh my gosh...it was so funny. They really are kids.

Reflection: It's tough to manage a classroom without an agenda. I'm not looking forward to when they finally realize that I'm not kidding when I say we're going to do something after watching the movies. I'm so blessed by them at the same time I'm challenged by them. I guess that's the gift God has given me this year. Even though it's been hard, I've been so blessed by my students over and over.