Admitting my struggles

I have been having a horrible last few days. Honestly...my goodness. I need to stop comparing myself and not care what the darn students think.

ARGH--Major processing ahead...I can't talk to my colleagues about all of this because...I dunno, so here it is.

I have been trying to plan my class for the last 4 days and have been getting hardly anywhere. I am so incapacitated by fear of the students not liking my class and wishing that they were in Tim's class. It's horrible and it's making me quite miserable.

So, first thing: I can't do anything easily. The other night I stayed up half the night because I got inspired at 9:00 PM. I thought this year would be easy (it still might not be too bad) because all I had to do was teach the same thing I did last year. But then, the more I got into the current election, the more I realized I want my kids to do the same thing...what a perfect opportunity! So inspired was I that I decided, how horrible would it be to start with Political Beliefs and Behaviors and move to Parties, Interest Groups and Media instead of starting with the basics? I realied that you don't need to start with the Constitution, it fits perfectly later in the course. BUT...that would mean having to rethink what I put where, having to figure out a different calendar and start with things that usually take more time for me to prepare for...which means extra work right when I thought I could ease up on myself. I was really nervous because school starts soon and if I want to do this I have to do some really quick work, which is actually really overwhleming.

I went to school and asked two colleagues I trust, "Should I do this...does this make sense to do it this way? Should I do this...or should I just do it like i usually do and give myself that break that you all think I need?" Basically they thought the change sounded great and I got excited again.

But, at our staff days this week we've been touching base on how to solve some problems students brought up last year, one of which is we need to work as a staff to reduce homework loads and be more pointed about what we want accomplished in homework: Example: don't assign the whole chapter to read if really only 20 pages of it is needed.

So for the last few days I've been struggling to piece together this new course, struggling with how few days I have to do it in, and continually butting up against this new wall in my path: Tim's new course.

Darn Tim...it's not his fault but I struggle mentally with his class all the time. He doesn't care how I do things. He's great. He gives me feedback I need to hear. He doesn't care if the kids don't like what he does. He doesn't care about really making sure they learn. I mean, he does, but he says it's their responsibility. The result was that last year I stressed myself out because I didn't want my kids to complain because they worked harder than his or because his class was easier and I didn't want his kids to do better than mine because then I'd feel bad.

However, my kids adored my class. They hated the work. They complained sometimes. His kids thought his class was boring, but he grew on them by the end of the year. Overall, I think the general consensus was that my class was hard but very interesting. Plus, my kids did better than his on the AP test (I had over 1/3 get 4s and 5s!!!). I shouldn't brag about this but I am proud of them and of what we accomplished.

THEN....there is the new course. Now he is teaching a year-long AP US government class. I still teach AP US Gov and AP Comparative Gov. Twice as much material. This time I have become unable to get anything done because I am overthinking. Big surprise...I don't want to kill them with homework (especially because now the comparison in work load is even greater since they will have a year to read what we will read in 55 days...), but I need to keep them accountable to reading (quizzes...constant homework...more grading?), but I want to work in more project-based homework and lessons on the current election (without sacrificing too much of the reading), I'm trying a new tactic with homework assignments since I have changed them half-way through both years because they stopped reading, but then if I change that then I should put in more quizzes...and I could give test corrections on quizzes instead of tests because I am going to be overloaded with grading from the homework assignments and...should I reduce the number of tests I give since we move so quickly through the unit and they already have a lot of homework...or would that be harder because more content would be covered for each......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! You can see...I almost started crying today because for such an indecisive person who just wants what's best for her students I find it impossible to make a decision with so many options.

To make it worse, Tim is trying to be helpful and he sent me his course schedule and I started seeing all these neat activities he's doing throughout his course. Seriously, it looks so great. I feel bad because I should be happy for Tim, that his course looks like it's getting a lot more interesting, but I just can't because in my mind my students are going to say, "Why are we taking this class when they get to do a fantasy congress, get to be political pundits, media and polling activities...and we have tripple the work?" In reality, the activities could get boring and when he says activities sometimes it's just look at data in groups and make a poster, but still...with all the issues I'm already going through...I just want my kids to like my class.

In the end, there is nothing that I can do. The kids did choose to take my class. I've heard they are an incredibly intellectually-motivated group, which means they will probably fit better in my class anyway. I love what I do (obviously), I am excited (even though I'm stressed), and will work tirelessly again. If I give too much work, I can always lighten up. Maybe they can even help in the solution. If I give too much that I get overloaded grading, well...then it happens and I deal with it. In the end, even if we don't get to do the activities for the extent that Tim is doing them, my class is rarely a dull place. We do activities and creative things too, we just do them quicker. And more than that, my class is a place where expectations are high. This is not just work load, but there is a feeling of empowerment when someone knows you are capable of reaching high expectations.

Reflection: I think this post was good for me because my kids may not enjoy my class, but chances are, even with the circumstances above, darn it...my class is a place where great things happen. The kids coming into my class have heard the rumors, they know what to expect and maybe...just maybe...they don't need the three days to pick their draft for fantasy congress but they have heard my class has something more (and it's not just homework).

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