Pretty Should Be More Than Special

Ok, here 'goes. I don't really feel like blogging, but I can't sleep (again) and I can't start another TV series or I will never sleep at all. The last few days have been ridiculous. I have completely gone off my rocker. I have not worked at all, and whenever I think of working, I throw myself into something else. In the last few days I have cleaned, organized my cupboards, cooked, and turned into a zombie. Yes, I know...but zombie I was.

I was a zombie when night after night I watch TV shows or movies on my laptop until ungodly hours. I just stared and then couldn't sleep. There is a reason why I can't sleep. I slept too long on Sabbath and I've been off ever since, staying up late because I slept in too late and then the cycle continued. Plus, I think it's because I think of having to get up the next morning and work and I just keep staying up, as if I have to cram everything I want to do into the hours from 1-4 AM.

But most of all, I was a shopping zombie. I went shopping on Monday because I needed to get out of the house and I just wanted to wander around for a while in Bellevue. Then I went shopping on Tuesday with my sister at Bell-Square. It was awesome and I really needed time with her and time to shop since I rarely get to just "shop." The last few weekends I've been compiling a makeup tool box...

You know, it just occurred to me. I think I'm having a mid-twenties crisis. I don't know what brought this one on. After Dave and I broke up I went through a similar moment, where I got into makeup and clothes and color and just wanted change. I'm doing it again! Only this time it's more dangerous because I have a paying job to back it up.

Anyway, back to the zombie. I now have done fairly good makeup multiple times in a row. I bought a few things yesterday...things that I normally wouldn't buy...things that I still feel are vain. I'm a target shopper. I don't buy designer clothes. Well, I still didn't buy designer clothes but I did buy things that make me feel designer. But that's not the worst of it. Yesterday I did buy some things...but they could be justified.

Today, however, the real trouble began. I have been needing a hair cut for a while and I want a good hair cut that makes me look my age, not too old, not too young. So I set up an appointment at a top-of-the-line hair salon in downtown Bellevue. I went, it was amazing, and I came out with a little lighter wallet and an amazing haircut.

Seriously, I looked at myself in the mirror and I said, "Oh my gosh...I'm one of those hot girls! I could star in my own movie!" I had great clothes, great makeup, and flirty hair. And you have no idea what that felt like! I had confidence that I don't think I've ever had before. I felt pretty for the first time in a long time! I was talking to Margie the other night about how it's been so long since I felt wanted or pretty and here I was! ---I couldn't go home. I was going to work, but I just couldn't. I still had one thing I wanted to find, a pair of good jeans. So I went shopping...and now a monster had been created. I hunted down the hair supplies my stylist had suggested I find (seriously, she's amazing. She didn't make me buy a bunch of things and she told me where to go to get the one thing she recommended, cheaper) and I searched for jeans. In the process I found another pair of shoes and a cute top for going out on the town and when I was finished, I had been stared at and smiled at a lot (which was an odd experience, but it felt good to be admired!), had bought more things...and

man

Pretty should be more than this once-in-a-while, special thing. I called Margie and Camille to tell them about how awesome my hair cut was and was ready to paint the town red. But that's what pretty did to me. I spent money on things that I didn't need. I bought sexy black shoes because I just want to feel sexy. I bought cute jeans and a black top to go with them if I ever get up enough guts (which I had at the moment-it was ridiculous, I think I had enough guts to flirt today) to go out in Bellevue.

But at the end of the night, I tried on all my clothes, I looked at myself in the mirror and then I made dinner and watched 6 hours of The Starter Wife on hulu.com (which Camille NEVER should have told me about...hehe). And now that I'm done, the confidence is gone, the embarrassment over the vanity has set in, but there is still that desire to feel pretty and the wish that I could feel pretty without having to spend so much money to realize that I am still just a poser!

I don't know if it's Bellevue getting to me, or if it's because I'm young but don't feel young, or if it's because I haven't had a male admirer in 3 years, but I am still torn about the pretty thing. I like all the nice clothes and shoes I bought. I hardly go shopping, but still...it's not like I haven't bought anything lately and I'm trying to save money for Europe. I feel like I should feel guilty--and I do--but I also don't think it's such a big deal.

I don't know who I am anymore. Tomorrow the hair will have gone flat, the confidence will be gone, and I will realize that I blew a bunch of money to feel pretty for a day. And I guess I could say, well, lesson learned. But I just wish I didn't have to learn that lesson.

Reflection: I read this book once, called "Keeping a Princess Heart" and in it the author talked about how all females go through this, this need to be recognized. And I know it. And I understand that it happens. The author talks about how as females we tend to have such giant ups and downs (which, if you've read my blog enough, you should understand) but that we need to be a woman with a princess heart. "The woman with a princess heart is no Pollyanna, but she is not the perennial pessimist either. Don't take either fork in the road. Plow straight ahead through the middle, no matter how uncomfortable it gets. Stay down from the castles in the air. Stay above the dungeons in the dark. And don't forget--you have been recognized. You are loved. And one day, all will be well. " I have been recognized. God has recognized me. I don't need that recognition from other people. But you know...it's hard. All will be well. All will be well... All will be well.

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