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For those of you who haven't heard, we had a tragedy in our school this past weekend. Two of our seniors were involved in a head-on collision coming home from a college visit. The driver of the vehicle (boyfriend of the mother) died on impact. One senior is now in stable condition (praise God) in Spokane and the other students died on the scene.
It was terrible at school today. I knew it would be bad, but I just had no clue how horrible it would be. The kids gathered at the flag pole today at 7:00. By 7:10 there were already close to 200 kids around the pole.
I took this picture shortly after 7:00. You don't realize how many students are standing around until you zoom in. The halls were empty and then when a few students trickled in, everyone was silent. It was like that all day, no laugher, no talking, a silent school of 1500 students. It was a horrible thing to be a teacher in that situation. I eventually did have a few kids show up to class. My first period class is always quiet and awkward, but today it was so much worse.
I had to hand out a letter to the students to take home to their parents and read a cheesy script out loud. I would have ditched the script and just talked but I honestly didn't know what to say. The reason I didn't know what to say was because they were so silent, because there were so many red eyes, because there were so many empty seats and because one of those empty seats belonged to the sister of the senior who died in the crash. It was so awful. I know I keep saying that over and over again but I felt so helpless.
The problem was, you just don't know what to do with them. It was the first period of having to face this new reality and for my 1st period, they knew the sister and knew how much she must be hurting. Many of them were good friends with her. So there were a few upset because they felt bad for Chelsea, there were a few who didn't know either of the seniors but felt bad because everyone else felt bad, others were dealing with old grief and memories brought up by the tragedy and there were some who just didn't know what to do and were silent.
It was like this all day. Eventually the number of kids out at the flag pole dwindled down to just a few. At it's largest, for the first two hours, there were close to 400 kids at the pole. Everywhere I went I saw kids crying in the halls, I almost didn't want to go make copies because when you come down the stairs into the commons it was a sea of crying and hugging students and I felt helpless.
Teachers were crying too. Byron, a guy in our department, looked like a ghost. He had both girls in his classes so it was a full day of counselors in his classroom explaining grief. Eventually my freshmen got ahold of themselves. We did some individual work and then some things that allowed them to just talk to each other, and that seemed to go well. I had no idea what to expect with my two senior classes. Many of the other senior classes had hardly any kids there. What pissed me off was that some kids were gone for legitimate reasons, but others took the opportunity to skip and that made me so angry...exploiting grief.
In the end, almost all my seniors showed up for class, oddly enough. There were definitely some missing 7th, but i know they all had legitimate issues. I had 6 options prepared for the kids because I didn't know if anyone would show up, or if they wanted something that they could tune out or if by this time of the day they were sick of crying and just wanted something to take their attention. I gave them 3 video options, and you know what? They didn't choose the video! They chose to work! Many of them said that they had been doing nothing all day and I think they wanted a distraction. And it still allowed those who still needed to process, to process.
In the end, it was a wasted day overall, and I still feel helpless. I don't know what happens to me when grief comes. I turn to stone. I had a hard time controlling myself when I had to read that script to my 1st period class because all I could think of is my poor 14-year-old student who just tragically lost her sister and how awkward her classmates are going to treat her when she returns and how much pain she is going through. I barely made it through but I wanted to comfort those students so much...but I just didn't know what was appropriate to say because some stared at me with red eyes and others with an uncomfortable, "should I feel bad, even though I didn't know her?" Unfortunately, this kind of sudden loss is not unfamiliar to me, but I could only smile sympathetically at the students and...if a student comes to me one-on-one I can handle it, but when I walked through the commons, I am ashamed to say that I didn't make eye contact with many. I sortof felt like I should leave them alone in their grief but there were other teachers who were hugging them and letting them cry to them. I felt awful that I wasn't doing that. In some instances I am so compassionate and I cry for them and I hurt for them, but when it comes to reaching out to them, I just don't and I don't know why.
I get stuck and I don't know what to do.
Anyway, today was a horrible day. Please pray for the two families and for the girl and mother who are in the hospital, and for the loved ones grieving. Pray for the boyfriends of the two girls, especially Taryn's boyfriend, Prom is only a few weeks away. It will be very hard for him.
Reflection: Grief is a strange thing. It affects many people in many different ways. Our students may be pushed hard by their parents and our school, but we have a supportive school culture. The school really came together today and the kids showed their true colors. Friends of the two girls went to classrooms today collecting donations for Taryn's family to help pay for the memorial service and for Callie in the hospital. By lunch they had already raised $2,500. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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