I have Had It

I have had a run of over three weeks full of out-of-the-ordinary plans and I just can't do it anymore. I was gone one day, and then I had to catch up. Then I had to plan to be gone 3 days and then when I got back I had to catch up. Then I had to plan to be gone another day. Now I will probably have to catch up. And in the meantime I had an AP Seminar, the AP test is coming up, I was massively behind on grades, my students have quit working, they've started failing, which, ironically means more work for me, and in all of it I have gotten no more than 5 and no less than 3 hours of sleep per night for the last 3 weeks! On the weekends, I did get more sleep.

BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! It's making me tired and angry. Last night i came home from work so angry. I was ashamed of myself. I was there late, trying to get everything ready for me to be gone today, and I had managed to catch up on 8 past assignments (for 5 classes so that's approximately 22 stacks of grading and some of them required compiling information from multiple places. THAT'S HUGE!!! While I was adding them to the gradebook I got 3 emails from students telling me that they noticed they had an assignment missing and they knew they handed it in, would I please add it. I practically erupted with anger. The slackers (well, to be fair, the overworked and mentally drained students) keep failing tests for lack of studying and keep emailing my late assignments, making grading more difficult for me, and when I finally make myself miserable and sleepless to get grades done, they have the nerve to complain to me about a grade that is missing because I am STILL ADDING IT/IN THE PROCESS OF ADDING IT!?! I was so angry I just put the rest of the work down and went home. I boiled with anger all night. When I woke up I was ok because in my anger I went to bed early and got 9 hours of sleep!! But that didn't last long, as the anger flared up again at a note from my love-struck and totally oblivious roommate, which I don't feel like going in to.

I spent the day planning curriculum, which was a total waste of a day. I realized how pompous I must have sounded as a first-year (and still as a second year) teacher spouting off how good I am and how impressed my students are with me since I had to listen to it (and probably become jealous because of it and mostly feel like a failure because of it) all day. We got hardly anything done, I wasted a day that I really needed, spend more time so that I could be gone for it and the only thing that I got out of it was more work, and a day of...well, it doesn't matter.

Suffice it to say that by 2:30 I was completely overwhelmed by the world. My bills that I had hoped to get under control after finally getting my address changed by calling my credit card got completely out of hand because apparently Jessica is too busy with boyfriend-land to check the mail and I never see her to get the key. So I owed double the credit card plus charges, double the school loan payments, money to pay for my tire that went flat a week or so ago (and apparently you are supposed to replace both), money for the oil change that I was overdue for, money because Jessica suddenly realized last week that she hadn't been charging me for internet and wanted $200....AAHHHHH!! Then there was school and blech...

I got out of that meeting and I didn't even know what to do. I thought of going home and having to work all night in my apartment tackling all my problems but the thought of being there all by myself was too overwhelming. I needed to breathe and I needed to be by people. So despite I'm broke and paying for gas right now practically breaks the bank, I just started driving to my parent's house. On the way, my phone went caput (for justifiable reasons, considering I've been using it despite the fact it's been oozing oil for 2 months).

The moral of this story is that I went to my parents. I didn't do any work since 2:30. I tried to get my phone fixed, I drove all the way to Auburn with the windows rolled down to just, I dunno, knock some sanity into myself. I read a book (best-seller in 1907). And then, probably the best thing that could have happened all night (FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SKIM THROUGH MY COMPLAINING....THIS IS THE HAPPY PART)...Bobby has to read a classic and after much cajoling, he chose "The Count of Monte Cristo." He threw the book down after a page and a half and said, "I don't understand this at all!!" Ginny to the rescue!! He was frustrated because of all the names right in the beginning and because it launches directly into conversation that can be confusing until you get into the story. I love reading out loud. So I offered to read it to him (partially because through explaining things to him I wanted to read it myself). He agreed and I read four chapters of "The Count of Monte Cristo" to my 15-year-old brother. He actually enjoyed it! He kept laughing and chuckling and making comments. His comments actually impressed me because they were so insightful. I didn't realize he had picked up on some of light mockery in the tone of the characters but he did. He claims it was because I was reading it a certain way, but I think it was because Dumas writes so well. Anyway, by the end of chapter 4 I had thoroughly forgot all my problems, was entranced by the story, and had enjoyed a bonding experience with my little brother.

Reflection: Tomorrow morning I awake at 4:30. I get to school by 6. I make up for lost time tonight and plan two 90-minute lessons like a mad-woman. BUT...sometimes you just have to eat the money it takes to drive to where there are people and you have to ditch all your responsibilities just to give yourself a little steam to go on. Right now, I feel like I can wake up at 4:30 and be ok with it because I got to be irresponsible for a while.

If there's one thing that's going to kill me it's going to be responsibility. There is actually little pressure from above to make me like this, and although some of it is internal pressure, I seriously think most of it is the demands. I can't stand the demands and having to juggle all the little "what is our homework?" "What are we doing next week?" "Did you get my email?" "Did you get the homework I sent you?" "Are you going to add this grade?" "Have you graded this yet?" I CAN NOT MANAGE MY OWN LIFE AS WELL AS THE LIVES OF 150 STUDENTS!!!

When it comes to my own life I trust God. That's how I know that tomorrow everything will come together. That's why, up until this point, I haven't let the late charges on my bills bother me too much (even when they were late for reasons outside of my control), because I know it's not worth the worry. However, I don't know how to trust God with the bother of my students. I wish my students trusted God that everything they want me to do would get done without having to have them constantly monitoring me about it. Honestly, I need a secretary to answer all the emails I get from them. I honestly want to tell those kids that as soon as they put the effort into their homework that is lacking, I'll put the grade in that is lacking. Or ask them why they're so freakish about a missing assignment and not about the fact that they keep failing tests.

OK, i'm done. I seriously just need my students to stop pestering me about the things that will get done when they let me have the time to do it!! I realize they are under as much pressure as me, but the difference is that they are shirking their responsibilities off onto me and I have no one to shirk them off onto.

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