In need of an adventure...and sleep

I'm ready for an adventure. I should have gone to bed hours ago. School got out Tuesday and yesterday and today I've been baking most of the day. Yes, 3 pies, 8 dozen decorated sugar cookies and 9 dozen gingerbread men later I've decided that visions of sugar-plums are the last thing I want to add to the procession of sweets dancing in my head.

Today Bobby and I got Margie and Kev Christmas presents and then designed our gingerbread house. After hours of fighting over what house to make I finally gave in. Bobby can be so stubborn sometimes. We're doing a pagoda. But of course, that just means that I have to figure out how to make a pagoda out of gingerbread and he just gets to decorate it. I'll let you know how it turns out. I watched Thomas for a bit for Camille. I actually quite enjoyed it. He's such an adorable little guy. I also got my baby fix for a while.

But then after making pies and cookies I came home and my mom and sister and I sang. It was great. We're going to do a trio for Christmas Eve so we had to find a song. I convinced Margie to play through a whole bunch of songs for me so that I could hear how they went. Then Mom joined us at the piano and we harmonized for an hour or so. I think my dad enjoyed it. He came out in the living room and just sat in his recliner and listened. I enjoyed it too. Our voices blend really well.

But everyone has gone to bed (except Bobby and the love of his life, his Xbox 360) and we've got the last Christmas presents to get tomorrow, Mom is taking us to an amazing antique shop, and then I have to go home and finish some projects (and 3 dozen chocolate chip, 2 dozen brownies and 1 pie)...so I should sleep.

But I can't.

So instead I went back in time and read through some old blog entries. This past year has been an emotional roller-coaster. Since this weekend I've been thinking about choices I've made. I had such a wonderful weekend. Good friends, good times. Beka and Lindsey and I woke up Saturday morning and just sat around the kitchen table drinking tea. After the conversations with them this weekend I've been wondering if I made the right choice about moving back to Washington. I love seeing my family and I love my church family. I love my job (yes, I do...I just get very tired) but I still wonder if it is enough. My friends are what got me through college. I can survive a crappy job if I have friends around. But I'm scared to leave my job because I'm nearing a permanent contract and I really do have an amazing job and if I left I wouldn't get to teach compgov.

It was probably a good choice. I needed to leave Newberg. I needed seperation and to move on with my life, make a break with past and start a new future. But now I feel as if I'm in this holding pattern, that I've started a new future but the things that I still value the most are in my past. Granted, most of my friends have moved away from our college town, but many are still in the area (though they don't all see each other all that much)...but I dunno.

I wonder if I made an emotional deciison that only ended up making my life harder, even with the good job and being near family. I don't think I can handle any more big things to add to my life, especially as I start US Govt again...but I just don't want to have regrets. On nights when I can actually get sleep, I want to sleep...

Reflection: I don't actually regret this past year. It has been very rewarding and I do feel that I've been able to do great things. I just hope in this next year I recapture some of that happiness that I miss from college memories. I need an adventure and for some reason it's hard for me to have an adventure here.

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