Ode to the Class of 2009 - the woe is me post

This day is always one of my hardest days all year. I think it even beats having to be alone on New Years. Today is the day I have to say goodbye to the students I have grown to love so much. Tonight was especially hard. I've had a week already of an emotional roller-coaster, full of constant emails and tears. Back and forth about whether students will pass, back and forth and digging through files for the one who won't...anger from parents. Final projects were due; stress mounted when I couldn't grade them because of the parent situation. Crying because the parents wrote a 2 page email to my principal about how much of a failure I was and how that represented the Newport AP program. Crying because these kids just stole my heart this year.

I always am sad to see them go, but this year I just had an exceptional group. At the teacher tunnel (where the kids walk through to give us hugs, tell us how wonderful we are, and cry a lot)I didn't get a whole lot of encouragement but I saw almost all of my 100 students and though they didn't say much, they cried a lot. And, for the first time in my life, I cried in class. And I cried at the teacher tunnel.

Whenever I have written on here, I've written about my 5th period class. I have never met such a loving, fun, funny, spunky,talented, intelligent and hard-working class. They were the class whose incredible mock Congress, dolphin bill and Christmas-tree bill will forever live on in fame. They are the class who came to class dressed up in costumes for our Nigeria simulation, just because they wanted to. They're the class who spent weeks writing and making a class movie. They are the class who used First Amendment Fridays to ask me about my personal life. They're the class who would tell me multiple times a week how much they loved the class. They laughed together, and in the end, we cried together. Our movie was a hit. It was incredible and it created an even stronger bond in that class. On the last day of class we premiered our movie, complete with red carpet, paparazzi, and oscars. The last award they gave out was to the "Best Producer." They said wonderful things about how they felt in my class and how much they appreciated my production of the movie and the class. I got up in front of those kids I loved so much, having known all week that I was going to cry. And sure enough, when I gave my acceptance speech I choked up. The kids were shocked, especially since Taemin calls me 'the wall.' I didn't sob, but I wrestled with my emotions to try to control them enough to talk. I told them they were right. When I walked in to class last week to find Kyle (the sweetest kid ever)with his pants off in the middle of the room I screeched the class to a halt and yelled at them that the classroom is not a dressing room. The bathroom is. The next kid with his pants of will get a referral. As soon as I'd said it, 5th period bursts into argument, "But Burdick! We're a family!" Though I straightened them out that time, when I gave my acceptance speech I told them that I agreed with what they had said that day; we're a family. A lot of us cried, me included.

30 students were in my room wandering around on Thursday. Most of 5th period stayed all through lunch, dragging their feet about leaving. The Burdick Club, especially Taemin, were in my room after school every day wandering around trying to get closure. I was so stiff because I was so emotional as it was. In the teacher tunnel, i was fine until Andrew came up to me sobbing and I got teary-eyed, then Daniel M came to me, as soon as he said my name he started crying and I broke. I cried too. Amy jumped into my arms and Kyle made me cry again. I may not have gotten the lavish praise I've sometimes gotten in recent years and honestly, i didn't bond with all my kids this year. But the ones I did bond with, will remember me forever (and so will I remember them, especially since 4 of them have plastered my wall with pictures of themselves and changed my desktop background to match).

I had the worst drive ever, right after leaving the teacher tunnel, to drive down to Liz's wedding. The weekend was wonderful and distracted me, but last night it occurred to me how hard today would be. One day I will have a home and a family to come home to and comfort me like the friends I visited this weekend. But right now, what I have is my students. Coming out of graduation really seemed to sum it up for me tonight. I stepped out of the lobby into the elevator, out of the sea of noise and color and into quiet. When I stepped out on my parking level I was all alone. I walked to my car on my own and when my heels should have made cheery clips along the cement, the sound-proofing of the garage muffled my steps. And there was silence, even though I was walking. And I thought it was appropriate, though sad. Every year at graduation I leave behind what brings sound and color to my year and when they leave I'm on my own again, walking off to a quieter, duller life.

I don't hate my life. I love it. I don't want any lectures about how I need to do more things so that I have other things to add color to my life than my students. I just want to mourn this class because I love them so much. And I need to mourn quickly so that I can try to finish up this week...landlords return, i move out, final grades are due, freshmen essays and final, etc.

But it was a good year, though I will desperately miss Taemin's teasing, Jeff's thoughtfulness, Amy's neediness, Rahul's grin, Graham's mumbles, Kyle's joy, Paulina's laugh, Maria's jokes, Megan's thoughtful look, Danny's chuckles, Clyde's expletives and Ben's squeals at me that I didn't hear them. I know it was good. I know that they learned something. I know that for the most part, they felt comfortable in my class.

Reflection: Heartbreak is not happy. But it is now that I have my students gone, that I realize how important it really is to me that someday I have a family. When I ihave something to throw myself into I don't worry about it. But I look forward to the day when I have someone I can love as much and more than I love these kids and who won't go away. I find comfort in that and pray that I don't have to go through too many more of these heartbreaking graduations on my own.

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