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So the day started off fairly well. I did no work last night, which was good and bad. I watched Monte Python's Flying Circus for a few hours and surfed the net and talked to Lindsey Walker for another hour or so. I'll get to that later. I was in such a good mood. I really needed that time to just lie in bed and be a bum. Then I woke up early this morning humming and feeling refreshed. I slept in a little, got coffee, did my hair (!), and got to school feeling very much on top of the world. Wednesday had gone better than expected and today was the same.
1) My lessons were great.
2) My freshmen classes were amazing today, the kids are awesome, and I feel like I'm already beginning to know them AND I already know all their names!!! Go me! That's pretty good, 80 names in a day! I finished my two freshmen classes today and i was stoked!! They are so great! I was so excited because the classes so far are just awesome. 4th worries me a bit...but hopefully that will pan out ok.
3) Then, Gov was mixed, but overall good. My lesson was great. The kids were into it, it was just...it was like clockwork and the kids cooperated for the most part. AND, I got to practice my tech-guru-ness. I used my clickers, my document camera and my laptop, AND my SmartBoard software and hooked them all up to toggle back and forth without having to rewire anything. I was quite proud and my students were quite impressed. But the one worry from that period has since then welled up into an issue, which I will get to.
So, the last two days have been triumphant!!! Good lessons!! Kids engaged!!
So why am I upset?
It could have something to do with the fact that I am short on sleep...or that I was at school until 9:00...but...I dunno.
So, I was at school until 9:00 because I was chaperoning the Invisible Children Club's screening of Invisible Children. I worked all afternoon, got a bunch of things done, while my Knowledge Bowl kids joked away for a few hours. For a while though, I was quite thoughtful.
I have a problem with my seniors. They are not learning. It is my fault (and theirs) but a lot of it is mine. Either they are not reading, or they are not reading thoroughly enough, or I'm assigning too much reading and not doing enough tying together of information. Whatever it is, the learning is just not happening. That upset me, for obvious reasons. But why it upset me was more than just that I was not doing my job as a teacher, but that I honestly was at a loss as to what the do. I FEEL SO MUCH PRESSURE!!! Sheesh. Shultz's classes are a week ahead of us. He knows more than I do, they cover more than we do, his kids get higher test scores, and he is assessing them every day with quizzes. There is that pressure on the one hand, and then there is the pressure that I feel on the other hand that even when I try to keep up with Shultz and do what he does, my students aren't learning it like his seem to be!! In my mind, it's because it's not becoming meaningful, it's just information. But what makes me so upset is that I don't know where the balance is. I don't know whether to spend more time to make at least some of it stick, or to keep doing what we're doing and expect them to study in the end.
Seriously though, I don't know how I became such a crappy teacher over the course of a year. Last year I was exhausted and I didn't know much, but at least what I taught was good. It seems like the more time I teach, the more time I spend informing myself and putting information together for my students, but somewhere along the 1 freaking year I forgot how to teach!!!! It pisses me off! When I sit down to plan I'm lost!! I honestly get overwhelmed just trying to remember how to teach well. I get scared because I feel helpless and then I freak out. So, let's say I decide to forget Shultz and just make the minimal meaningful. That's the sucky part...I DON'T REMEMBER HOW!!!
Ok, so anyway...that was in the background...well, the dilemma of my students not learning and not knowing whether to go fast or slow...the rest came later.
So I go down to help Marissa and Katherine set up for the screening. They show me how to use the light panel in the theater, I chat with some of my kids...and then I hear things.
1) Katherine says, "Ms. Burdick, that was a really good lesson today." (earlier Tommy asked, "Did you go to some workshop or something because today you're using all these new teaching strategies?"). That should make me feel good...but it didn't. I wrote that lesson last year. It was a good lesson. That was the lesson that made me keep my job. It bothered me that this one lesson had stood out, because to me that meant that all my other lessons are not good...which I knew...but had not wanted to think about. Katherine didn't mean anything by it, but it just confirmed what I had been thinking, that I don't teach well anymore and that I wish that I could teach like that all the time. This phrase kept running through my head while we were talking (see, I can teach well when I have the time to put into it) and yet...I would never be able to put together a lesson like that now. I felt like such a failure that one lesson could stand out so much to my students...and frustrated that I don't have the time or skills to do it anymore...and that I don't have the class time before that darn AP Exam to cover what I need to and to make it meaningful.
2) I mentioned the dilemma I was in that afternoon to Marissa, Katherine, and Will. About how Shultz's class is so far ahead of us and that it is a pressure for me to fly through material. These three, and earlier Natty, said the same thing...which I probably shouldn't have listened to, but did. All Shultz's kids hate his class. They cheat on his tests. THey don't feel like they're learning anything. BUT...they are covering more material...he's more knowledgable than I am...and his kids have GOT to be learning more than mine. Ok, my tests are hard, so it's not a surprise that my students don't do well, but sometimes...I ask them things that should be simple...basic things...and they don't know. And then I cringe...ARE THEY LEARNING ANYTHING!?! But this is dilemma 2. Knowing what the kids said about the other classes, should I even worry about trying to keep up with Shultz. Are my kids cheating too? Are Shultz's kids doing well on tests because they are learning more, or because they're cheating? In the end, my kids like me better and they like my class better, but does that matter if they're not learning!? AND WHY IS IT THAT THIS IS MY SECOND TIME TEACHING AND I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING A WORSE JOB THAN THE FIRST TIME AROUND?!?!
3. I watched Invisible Children. I couldn't cry in the theater because my kids were there. But I HATE to see children suffering. I HATE it. I cry at radio commercials from SleepCountry about helping foster children. When I left the theatre I was having an identity crisis. I thought...how horrible. And I felt helpless. I felt this unease and weariness. I felt like somehow my life was a waste. I felt like life was passing me by, like I was young and able to help people but stuck trying to do something that I've gotten lost in. I felt like I wanted to be really DOING something. I thought of college and how friends have gone all over the world doing good things. Like they have a mission. And I don't want to hear any crap about how I have my mission, about how I'm teaching and I'm changing the world that way...because right now, that's all a bunch of crap. As I left that theatre, I felt like I have wasted my young, unattached years and that all the world-changing youthfulness, the adventure and meaning has just...I don't know...faded, I guess.
Last night Lindsey and I talked about getting an 'around the world' ticket. Apparently you can plug in all these cities and buy a plane ticket to take you around the world, to be used in a certain span of time, and you can fly to all the cities you picked, whenever you want. And as I walked out of that theatre...I wondered why I didn't just drop what I was doing and get a ticked for going around the world, traveling with a friend, being free, and doing good wherever I went. Or why didn't I have a mission that felt like....eh...I just can't write anymore.
Suffice it to say that the combination of long hours, one good lesson, the surprised comments from my students, the abysmal test scores, and the emotions from Invisible Children combined to make me feel like a failure.
And the saddest part, is that I'm too tired, discouraged and lost to make my teaching much better.
Reflection: I know my students like me...I know they don't care if they're not learning as much as they should...but I care. And I care that I can't remember or get overwhelmed when trying to teach well. I care that I feel like a young person, trapped in the mind of a 40-year-old, trapped in the body of a young person. And I don't want to hear any crap about how I just can't see what I'm doing. You are not in my classroom every day. You can not say that I am changing students lives. Perhaps, by the end of the year I will have bonded enough with my seniors to make it meaningful...but man...eh....
Maybe if I took ANOTHER day off...this time not to grade...but to remember how to make good lessons...I will feel confident again and my students will get another burst of life...
1. Robert is from England. Interesting kid. I like him already. He is my new mystery. Here's the thing. Robert came in almost exactly after the bell rang from the last period. On Wednesdays we have a 15 minute break between 2nd and 4th periods (block days). Robert was in my classroom so early. He came right up and wanted to give me his signed syllabus. Basically, over the course of those 15 minutes and the class I've begun to suspect that Robert needs some friends. He is quiet (for reasons I'll explain later), has long eyelashes, pale skin, and designer clothes. He's a very good-looking kid but very obviously feels out of place. His appearance isn't so much out of place, just somewhat glamorous (i know...a freshman in HS looking glamorous) and somewhat aloof. He always has his eyes down and I have only seen him smile once (granted, he's only been in my classroom a total of 3 hours). Since no one else was in the room and I gathered yesterday that he wanted to chat about his citizenship (remember, "I'm not American."), I said, "So Robert, you said yesterday that you were not American. Then, I assume your citizenship is elsewhere." "England." (Smile one) "England! Wonderful! How long have you been in the states?" He had been here about a month. "Bit of a change, huh?" (smile 2) "Well, in the 14 years we lived in England we never got robbed. We've been here a month and gotten robbed twice." That's where I had to laugh. We talked about the difference between the government in the US and the UK and then the rest of his classmates started to trickle in. However, I still can't shake the feeling that he needs someone to talk to. When I was monitoring the groups I made a comment that he and his table partner were quite the artists. He immediately pulled out a sketch book and showed me that he had illustrated my 10-minute lecture on Paleolithic peoples and then he had another of this incredibly-detailed dragon. Seriously talented artist. But, he needs affirmation. Well, I think. He doesn't talk much to his peers. I think part of the problem is they can't understand what he says. He speaks so softly and they're not used to his accent that it's like their brains get a shock and then can't recover. Anyway...interesting kid.
2. Yep...remember, these are things I learned today. Chandra is from South Africa. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WEIRD!!! She has this weird accent. Not all the time, just at certain points she lapses into this some-what-british-accent-but-not-quite thing. I thought it might be a young-person-being-cool thing. The moments always seemed to be when she was an authority on the subject. Or maybe it was a speech impediment and I shouldn't bring attention to it. It didn't seem to bother anyone else. Then today she said that her parents really freaked her out this weekend because they said that their visas were up and they were being sent back to South Africa!! I was like, "WHAT!?!" Turns out, she's from South Africa (hence the freaky accent) and her parents were pulling her leg, which i think is horrible, haha.
3. Kids like clickers. I like my clickers. I'm a tech-savvy teacher, and a spoiled one at that. But it's because I beg. I'm also a mean teacher. I played with my new clicker toys today and the kids were all excited to use it...and then they figured out why. It was a quiz. I loved it because the clickers automatically track them by student number and at the end of the quiz I can export their scores to an excel spreadsheet!!! no grading!!! Instant feedback!!! Pie charts of the accuracy of my students!!! AMAZING!!!
Reflection: I feel like I bond with my students (even if right at this moment, beginning a new class...they scare me to death) but I actually don't know them well at all. I need to do that more. I also pray that Robert makes some friends. That poor kid is going to break my heart if he continues to bottle up so much around his peers that he bursts when he's around adults.
3rd period-- they kept me going every day with their enthusiasm and encouragement. I am really going to miss those guys!!! They were devastated the last day. :-)
1st period--very smart class. Gave me a hard time and I honestly was not sad to see them go. But...quite a few came to see me after class was out to tell me that they loved my class and that I was a great teacher. I think...well, I think if I hadn't had them 1st period the class might have been drastically different. However, I still really love all those kids, even if the class dynamics made it tough.
2nd period -- jolly and joyful. They worked hard and did anything I asked. Seriously awesome kids, such hard workers. They are loving and I will miss them!
So now...a new semester.
Some things:
- I was scared to death and very stressed out last night. It's quite nerve-wracking to start a new semester. Will they like me? Will I remember everything so I get off to a good start? Will I have good students? Will the classes work together well? WILL IT BE OK!?!?!
- This morning I was more optimistic. I got excited about my new classes and I tried to convey that.
- A few 3rd period kids came to check on me, to make sure my new "freshies" were treating me well. That made me happy and also gave a good tone to my new 3rd period class. They saw their friends from last semester trying to convince me to let them stay and so my new students were much more open and friendly immediately.
- they seem nice! So far they participate well (except 4th).
- One of my students is absolutely entranced by brain theory (which I mentioned in class at one point). SHe latched on and I had a great conversation with her after class.
- I believe another one of my students is from Britain. Reasons why I believe this are as follows. 1) When I asked him a question and he answered, his accent threw me off. It's pretty thick, actually, but definitely British. I tried my best to decipher and I think I did ok. 2) After class he asked me if he needed to know American History for the class. I said no. 3) He then said, "Good, because I'm not American."
- I wanted to ask him what he was, but thought that was probably not the right way to put it. But, now that I think about it...I think he wanted me to ask. So, I've thought about it and instead of asking, "So, where are you from?" I'm going to ask him about what his history background is and use that as an intro to where his schooling is from, etc. Besides, I like to hear him talk!
- So far only 2 students seem somewhat uncooperative. They appear to be testing me. I will not let them upset my classes this semester like my 1st period last semester. I let one kid's discipline problems affect the class because I didn't nip it early enough. Not this semester! No-sireee!
Anyway, that's my update.
Reflection: Worrying only makes you tired less prepared the next day. British accents are cool. Love your students; they remember that more than who had the first written law code.
Last night we watched a movie called The Namesake. In it there is a scene where this mother is mourning the loss of a loved one and her friend tells her that to find healing she should think of when she was most content and find peace there. The woman thinks for a moment and her whole body seems to react to the peace she finds there. At that moment, I too began to think...when was I the most content? After the movie finished Lindsey asked that question and we all began to think about when we were the most content. The rest of the night I just kept thinking of more and more times, and more and more memories came flooding back. It was so wonderful! I have had such a beautiful life! I was so thankful that I have had so many content times. At first, it was hard. I wasn't sure if I had ever been content...the woman said content, not overly happy, just content. However, throughout the night I just kept thinking of more and more and Beka, Lindsey and I just shared all these memories of content times.
So tonight when I got home I thought, I should write these down because many of them I hadn't thought of in years. Plus, I tend to write on here when I reflect on difficult things. It's about time I reflected on and shared some happy things.
The following is a list of the moments that came to mind when I thought of when I was most content. Content here means that I wanted for nothing, had no cares.
- On the Dingle Peninsula I forgot my camera and had to run all the way back to get it while my classmates played on the cliffs. I was irritated and exhausted, but after I had made it back to where my camera was and started walking back towards the bus, I gave up on running and just walked. I can't tell you how content I was in those moments. It was just me and the cliffs and the crystal blue sky and the white, fluffy clouds, and the rippling waves and the wind dancing and swirling...oh....I was alone. It was like all my cares had fallen away. I've thought of the contentment I felt in that moment and frequently yearned to just go to Ireland and get a cottage on the cliffs and write. I'm pretty sure why I've wanted to do that is because of the contentment I felt in that moment.
- Riding with Jon in his plane over the ocean
- Nebraska Sunsets
- Swinging with my grandpa and watching the sun set over the field beside my house. We swung slowly and were practically enveloped by the oranges and reds.
- walking with Aaron one night while our parents were in Bible study along the road in the country, watching the grasses in the fields wave back and forth, enjoying the warm breeze and the lovely sunset. No talking, just walking. Ah, contentment.
- Vesper hill. Friday at camp we take a hay ride up to Vesper hill. You have to climb up a larger hill and then walk across a small land bride to this tiny hill in the middle of a semi-bowl shape created by the hills around behind it. We would sit on that hill and watch the sun set while having a Vespers service to welcome the Sabbath. We were so silent because the beauty of it was so overwhelming. The sunset was always so brilliant that it turned the grasses and the hay the colors of the sunset, as if they reflected the purples and yellows. It was better than the Imax theatre because all there was all the way around us was a brilliant sky, the waving hills and the dancing grasses.
- Naming all the stars in the sky
- Watching the ocean at the Oregon coast while sitting on a large rock outcropping that we had to wade across to get to
- Coffee with Kathy before Chapel junior year
- Car chats with Camille until 3 AM
- Harmonizing to Lollipop, Lollipop in Amy's bathroom with Amy, Balie and Julie when we were 8 years old.
- Discovering and claiming a sand dune in the North Loup River and naming it "Gins-a-bales-a-jules-an-ames-a" Island
- tree fort with Mack when we were pirates
However, I have learned some lessons recently regarding fiction. First, no matter what you're doing (and this includes reading good fiction) you need to be careful of how you let that thing control your mind. Oddly enough, the Twilight series was mind-altering. It seriously felt like I was on a drug. I had heightened senses, was jumpy, was constantly craving more, and the after-effects of it were deadly. I was wrapped up so much in those books, so enthralled by the characters that I totally lost myself in the emotions of the story. I realize now how bad that was. They are wonderfully written. The characters are beautiful, but I found myself feeling heartsick and depressed because I had such a deep longing to be Bella and experience the love Edward showed her that it totally toyed with my emotions. Therefore, I realized that even fiction can be like a drug. Second, instead of getting wrapped up in the characters and therefore making yourself miserable, learn to appreciate the beauty for what it is...beautiful, not for pining after. I think this is a good lesson to learn. I wish I learned it sooner. However, I fear that I am hopelessly romantic and no matter what I try, I doubt I can ditch all of the romantic sentiments that enthrall me so much. Third, sometimes it's good to pick a happy book.
That leads me to what I did tonight. Talking with Margie about the book dredged back up those emotions and so instead of going to bed when I should have, I dug through my closet, located the huge tub of books I didn't bother to unpack (after packing and unpacking multiple times I realized that stack could stay packed), and pulled out my Anne of Green Gables series. I might be leading myself into another trap. These books did for me at 14 what the Twilight Series did for me at 24. The difference is that the Anne books are much more real-to-life.
I just finished book 1. Oh...so lovely. Now, even though my eyes are drooping, I just have to reflect upon this books so that hopefully my mind will be less restless and I will be able to sleep. Anne (the origin of my middle name, oddly enough) is an impulsive, impish, loving, hopelessly romantic (in the tragic way), energetic child. I thought it might be boring, but it wasn't. She warmed my heart and even though she and Gilbert hardly even talk in this book, I finished just feeling good and being able to take full breaths. It was refreshing and I'm glad I read it. Now I wish that I could just sit here and fall asleep listening to the beginning of the second book but the library doesn't have the next book as an audiobook. So I guess the next option is just to sleep.
Reflection: Sometimes the best rest after a long week is not sleep, is not daydreaming, but instead basking in the glow of cheerful fiction. It's like a cool drink for the heart, especially when it seems like so much fiction just tries to irritate the heart either in pity or emotionally. Why is it that so many things vie to manipulate our emotions? Why do mine get manipulated so easily? Ahh well...no need to think of those things...I'm relaxed and I'm happy.
Anyway, I really dont' want to talk about school. I've been practically dying to get home since lunch and when I finally was able to get home I collapsed for an hour. I still feel crappy so I'll post pics of the Christmas season instead of writing more.
Some of the massive amounts of cookies we made!
My adorable little buddy, Thomas. I got to play with him while mommy cleaned!
Some very wise guys.
The following pictures are something I am not proud of. Bobby and I fought for multiple weekends about what kind of amazing gingerbread house to make this year. Bobby would not give in. He was adamant...it would be a pagoda. I tried my best...but I gave in. I told my students and they even supported me but I knew that in the end, I would lose. However, because I'm trying to learn to be a good sport, I made the darn pagoda. It took days!!! DAYS!!!! Days of precious break-time! These pictures slowly document the destruction of my hard work by the little brother. Darn him.
The following pictures are something I am not proud of. Bobby and I fought for multiple weekends about what kind of amazing gingerbread house to make this year. Bobby would not give in. He was adamant...it would be a pagoda. I tried my best...but I gave in. I told my students and they even supported me but I knew that in the end, I would lose. However, because I'm trying to learn to be a good sport, I made the darn pagoda. It took days!!! DAYS!!!! Days of precious break-time! These pictures slowly document the destruction of my hard work by the little brother. Darn him.
My best attempt at a gingerbread pagoda.
Bobby's idea of "decorating" the pagoda I labored over. No thought...no care. Just crap. 
This is how it ended up...thus ended the pagoda. And thus ended my perfect record. My first failed gingerbread house. I honestly almost cried. Bobby just kept laughing.
This is how it ended up...thus ended the pagoda. And thus ended my perfect record. My first failed gingerbread house. I honestly almost cried. Bobby just kept laughing.